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You are here: Home / Blog / A letter to myself after another trip around the sun

A letter to myself after another trip around the sun

August 10, 2018 Blog, Family

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Dear Self,

Happy 32nd Birthday! It’s pretty amazing, if you think about it. A lot has happened in this time, a lot of good, a lot of bad, a lot of joy, a lot of sadness, a lot of anger and a lot of forgiveness, and so much to learn and grow from.

They say (who are “they” anyways?) that the 30’s are the best years of your life. Your 20’s were certainly a decade of self-destruction that, let me remind you, you grew and blossomed through the cracks of. I’m so glad we have gotten to leave those years behind us, however there is so much that you have brought with you to make you a stronger and better person.

I know the 30’s feel far from the best years of your life thus far. In fact, they’ve been incredibly tough. You started your 30’s as a bereaved mother, a deep grief that you could have never been prepared for. You’ve endured the heartache of a miscarriage and the longing for children as infertility snuck it’s way into your already aching heart. I know you are fighting everyday to figure out how to honor Adeline and the miscarriage with as much grace as possible. You are using your story to connect with people from all over the globe that share your sorrow and your hope, to help break the stigma around pregnancy and infant loss, infertility and grief. Your story matters. Keep telling it.

You’re 30’s have also brought an abundance of gifts.

You married Dylan, your best friend, your partner in life, the father of your babies lost and your babies to come. He landed in your life with a sense of home and a love that puts your insecurities to rest and ignites the confidence you have locked away for so, so long. He is the silliness to your serious, he is the cool and collected to your anxiety, he is the laid back to your nervousness, he is the calm to your storm. He supports you in every aspect of your life and lives intertwined. He loves you deeply and without reservation.

You bought a house. You used to dog ear pages in the big, fat JCPenney catalogs with all the items you were going to someday fill every corner of your home with. You have a roof over your head, and walls you have painted yourself and so many images in your mind of what this house will transform into over the years to come with hard work and love. Your backyard fills with filtered light and dancing butterflies where you have spent time turning the crisp pages of books, playing games on the patio, laughing with friends and family, and have found a strange satisfaction for pulling weeds out of the pea gravel you can’t wait to get rid of.

Loving adeline- trip around the sun

You have new friendships with a trust that feels unfamiliar, fulfilling and freeing. Friendships that have come from unexpected places, with unexpected people who could not be more different than you yet so similar at the same time. But you also have the long-term, familiar friendships that have not wavered regardless of the different paths they have taken along the way. You have friendships around you that for the first time in your life you don’t feel like you need to be anybody other than yourself.

You have thrived at University of Washington in your program after over 10 years of doubting yourself and not believing that you could ever accomplish this. You have fought through your fear of school, fear of failure, fear of presentations, fear of anything less than perfect, fear of what others think. They have not gone away, but you have learned how to manage your fears and anxieties in order to reach the goals you’ve always wanted but have been too afraid to go after.

While it’s hard not to think about what you don’t have, especially when it (infertility and loss) has consumed you over the last two years, I want to remind you that you are doing the best that you can with what you have. You are still learning to love yourself, but holy smokes, look how far you have come and how much closer you are to yourself. You are beginning to believe in yourself and your capabilities and you are getting better at telling your inner critic that she won’t win.

You are taking care of you, which allows you to take care of others.

You are rocking this 30’s thing and carrying your hard shit like your favorite purse.

You are worthy, and you are starting to believe it.

Your story matters, and you are fiercely knocking down those walls to tell it.

You are so strong, and you deserve so much more credit than you give yourself.

another trip around the sun

Keep doing yoga.

Keep reading.

Keep loving.

Keep writing.

Keep creating.

Keep supporting others in areas you’ve always craved support.

Keep showing up for the people you love.

Keep being happier with relationships than with materialism.

Keep fueling your body with healthy choices, and occasional pizza and cheesecake.

Keep being you, because there is nothing better in the world than living and loving the skin that you live in.

Live like the 30’s are in fact the best years of your life. Believe in what is already in your life and what is to come. Your dreams may unfold differently than you imagined, and that’s ok, you can and you will still make them happen.

Happy birthday you fucking warrior!

I love you,

Yourself

 

 

 

 

Photo by Anna Sullivan on Unsplash
Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash
Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels

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Luckiest mama on the block ✨ . . @forloveandlitt Luckiest mama on the block ✨
.
.
@forloveandlittles spring collection is 👌🏻 If you are looking for simple, high quality basics for your littles, it’s one of our favorites shops to support. It’s a small shop, local (to seattle), woman owned and gives back to the infertility community. I adore @rechellelewis ‘s heart and her mission is very near and dear to my heart. Check her stuff out! (Not sponsored)
I hope you always explore with your heart and your I hope you always explore with your heart and your eyes wide open, the way you do now. Watching you take on the world is a dream 🖤
.
Tomorrow is the last day to take advantage of 15% off site wide over at @indiegraceco ✨ Use code: JEAN15 to support the sweetest mama and her small shop.
We are going to look back on this time and think a We are going to look back on this time and think about how:
.
We didn’t hug our people for over a year.
In fact, we didn’t see most of our people either.
We didn’t see a single persons smile outside of our home.
How much we missed as second time first time parents.
We stretched grocery shopping to 2 weeks, and turned to online shopping wherever and whenever possible to avoid the risk of going to stores.
We felt isolated, frustrated and emotional on many days.
.
AND we will also remember:
.
We were given the gift of time as a family.
We embraced the slowness of life.
We protected our health and the health of our loved ones by staying safe, staying home and wearing our masks.
We saw B roll over, crawl, climb, walk and discover things in his surroundings for the first time.
We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at the table together, every single day.
We rocked you, and read the same nap time book, for every single nap every single day.
We waved to the garbage person every Thursday and the mail carrier each afternoon from our front porch.
We read, and read, and read, and read some more and danced, and danced, and danced some more.
We breastfed, we bonded, we laughed and learned and cried and learned and knew even at the hardest and most frustrating moments of juggling a pandemic, working remotely and raising a baby turning into a toddler in front of our eyes, that we were the lucky ones.
.
What’s one thing you never want to forget about this crazy time in our life during a global pandemic?
Just a little brother loving on his big sissy bear Just a little brother loving on his big sissy bear 🤍
.
A friend of ours made B this bear with Adeline’s swaddle and stitched her name into it. Such a treasure.
•
•
•
•
•
#lovingadeline #togetherwearebrave #ivfsuccess #FETsuccess #toddlerhood #parentingafterloss #rainbowbaby #motherhoodisdarling #watchthemgrow #magicalchildhood #mymotherhood #holdthemoments #embracingaslowlife #littlemamamoments #mommyblog #mothering #mamahood

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Copyright © 2018 Loving Adeline

Luckiest mama on the block ✨ . . @forloveandlitt Luckiest mama on the block ✨
.
.
@forloveandlittles spring collection is 👌🏻 If you are looking for simple, high quality basics for your littles, it’s one of our favorites shops to support. It’s a small shop, local (to seattle), woman owned and gives back to the infertility community. I adore @rechellelewis ‘s heart and her mission is very near and dear to my heart. Check her stuff out! (Not sponsored)
I hope you always explore with your heart and your I hope you always explore with your heart and your eyes wide open, the way you do now. Watching you take on the world is a dream 🖤
.
Tomorrow is the last day to take advantage of 15% off site wide over at @indiegraceco ✨ Use code: JEAN15 to support the sweetest mama and her small shop.
We are going to look back on this time and think a We are going to look back on this time and think about how:
.
We didn’t hug our people for over a year.
In fact, we didn’t see most of our people either.
We didn’t see a single persons smile outside of our home.
How much we missed as second time first time parents.
We stretched grocery shopping to 2 weeks, and turned to online shopping wherever and whenever possible to avoid the risk of going to stores.
We felt isolated, frustrated and emotional on many days.
.
AND we will also remember:
.
We were given the gift of time as a family.
We embraced the slowness of life.
We protected our health and the health of our loved ones by staying safe, staying home and wearing our masks.
We saw B roll over, crawl, climb, walk and discover things in his surroundings for the first time.
We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at the table together, every single day.
We rocked you, and read the same nap time book, for every single nap every single day.
We waved to the garbage person every Thursday and the mail carrier each afternoon from our front porch.
We read, and read, and read, and read some more and danced, and danced, and danced some more.
We breastfed, we bonded, we laughed and learned and cried and learned and knew even at the hardest and most frustrating moments of juggling a pandemic, working remotely and raising a baby turning into a toddler in front of our eyes, that we were the lucky ones.
.
What’s one thing you never want to forget about this crazy time in our life during a global pandemic?
Just a little brother loving on his big sissy bear Just a little brother loving on his big sissy bear 🤍
.
A friend of ours made B this bear with Adeline’s swaddle and stitched her name into it. Such a treasure.
•
•
•
•
•
#lovingadeline #togetherwearebrave #ivfsuccess #FETsuccess #toddlerhood #parentingafterloss #rainbowbaby #motherhoodisdarling #watchthemgrow #magicalchildhood #mymotherhood #holdthemoments #embracingaslowlife #littlemamamoments #mommyblog #mothering #mamahood
Every once in awhile you just need a farm animal o Every once in awhile you just need a farm animal on the feed, yknow? 🐐
•
•
•
•
•
#lovingadeline #togetherwearebrave #ivfsuccess #FETsuccess #toddlerhood #parentingafterloss #rainbowbaby #motherhoodisdarling #watchthemgrow #magicalchildhood #mymotherhood #holdthemoments #embracingaslowlife #littlemamamoments #mommyblog #mothering #mamahood
Just give this boy equal parts outdoor adventures, Just give this boy equal parts outdoor adventures, piles of books and music and you have the recipe for a VERY happy B.
.
.
Thank you, @indiegraceco for gifting Beckett this adorable boho little explorer tee - it is so him 🤍
.
.
Use code JEAN15 for 15% off at @indiegraceco / small Canadian based shop with mama and baby items, all hand made. ✨
•
•
•
•
•
#lovingadeline #togetherwearebrave #ivfsuccess #FETsuccess #toddlerhood #parentingafterloss #rainbowbaby #motherhoodisdarling #watchthemgrow #magicalchildhood #mymotherhood #holdthemoments #embracingaslowlife #littlemamamoments #mommyblog #mothering #mamahood
It’s been a minute since I took a selfie but thi It’s been a minute since I took a selfie but this day deserves to have a place here.
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On March 2, last year I packed a lunch, my pump bag and cried the whole way to work as I returned to teaching after being on maternity leave. I had 11 students absent because families were worried about the new virus in town - COVID-19. By Thursday of that week, our district was one of the first to shut its doors in the country and rapidly set up a plan for remote learning.
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Exactly one year later, I got my first dose of the vaccine. I cried tears of joy and relief as I drove away - feeling hopeful that a sense of normalcy is on the horizon.
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This past year has been wild. There’s been so many ups and downs. I’ve sold my sole to my job, working around the clock to make sure my students are still learning, still growing, still loving learning while trying to ignore the people on the internet causing a stink that teachers “are getting off easy” and “need to get back to work.”
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I’ve been given the gift of time with Beckett and have not missed a single second of his first 16 months of life (other than the few days that schools were open when I returned). We’ve had breakfast, lunch and dinner at the table as a family every single day. I’ve grieved the fact that yet again I don’t get to share new parenthood with anyone, just in a very different way.
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Not one single person has been in our home for over a year, we haven’t seen any family but one time in July and Beckett really doesn’t know anything other than us. 
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But we’re healthy. And now I’m vaccinated and Dylan gets his first dose on Monday. Hope and hugs are on the horizon. 🤍
Happy birthday, Adeline. Year five. The edges aren Happy birthday, Adeline. Year five. The edges aren’t as jagged anymore from day to day but when the waves come crashing, they still feel just as intense and heavy. You would have been the best big sister to Beckett. He points to the Angel in his room in the mornings and we say “good morning” everyday. He gave me a kiss from his “Addie Bear” at bedtime tonight. He knows. I’m just so angry I can’t watch the two of you grow up together. We all love you so much and miss you and wish you were here with us.
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📸: @maplehollowphotography
Necklace: @seededhope
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