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Loving Adeline

Infertility and Pregnancy & Infant Loss

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Life after loss ~ Grief ~ Still Birth ~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss ~ Infertility

Follow me on Instagram @lovingadeline

lovingadeline

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First nap in his crib. BRB, crying 😭
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#babylettoinspo

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Low quality photo • High quality snugs 🤗
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Lots of postpartum chins • Even more love 💕
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These are the Saturday mornings I’ve dreamed of 🌞

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Hey mama,
I want you to know that even though you walked through a blazing fire to arrive at parenthood doesn’t make you exempt from having hard days.
The hard days still come.
I want you to know that you don’t need to fight them, or feel guilty about them. I want you to know that you mustn’t feel like you can’t talk about them with others because you think you shouldn’t complain about something you cried and begged for on your knees.
The hard days still come.
And you’re allowed to have them.
You are not any less of a mother for having days that feel impossible or any less grateful because you vocalized that today was shitty.
You’re doing the best you can, and you’re the best mother for your child. It’s ok to say, “today was awful” and trying again tomorrow. I know you know more than anyone that tomorrow is never guaranteed but please give that baby a kiss goodnight and tell them you love them and take a minute to tend to yourself. Take a nap. Stretch. Eat a pint of ice cream. Read. Turn into a pile of mush on the couch. Soak in a bath until the water turns cold. Cry. Scream into a pillow. Don’t do a damn thing. Do whatever allows you to reset.
Mama, the hard days still come but don’t forget to love yourself. Don’t forget to give yourself grace.
It’s ok.
Repeat that.
Out loud.
It’s ok. It’s. Oh. K.
Try again tomorrow.

Xoxo,
The mama that also had a hard day
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📸: @maplehollowphotography

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Favorite snow day to date 🌨
This time last year he was still a little frosty ❄️ (frozen embryo)

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Looking through pictures wondering how in the world it’s been ten weeks of loving you already 🧡

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I can’t wait to see what 2020 has in store for us, what we will accomplish, where we will go, what we will learn, all the things. It’s all better with you. 💛

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It’s tradition to take a walk somewhere by the water together to welcome each new year. Today’s annual walk had a new tagalong {Beckett} and my heart is
F U L L 💞

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2019 was a pretty special year for us. 🌈
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It began with an egg retrieval (on the 2nd of the year!) and ended with our baby boy. I am feeling enormously grateful for what this year brought to my family. I’m also very aware that this isn’t the case for everyone and that so many of you are frustrated for what didn’t come to be or what was lost and I see you. I’ve also spent many years heartbroken about what I was leaving behind and pissed about the one wish we wanted seeming so out of reach. So while I am celebrating what this year was for me, I’m also thinking about what it was not for others. I won’t say “don’t give up,” because that’s not my choice, that’s yours. I won’t say “it will happen,” because none of us know that for sure. What I will say is - you have a strength that I admire you for even when you don’t feel strong at all. Your feelings are valid no matter how messy they are. You’re not in this alone even when you’ve never felt so isolated and alone and misunderstood. I’m rooting for you, however things play out. Your story is beautiful and it matters and I never want you to stop sharing your heart.
💖
Happy New Years, friends. I love you all. I hope you can close this year with some peace in your heart and hope that this next year (and decade) brings you an abundant amount of love, comfort, joy, wealth and laughter. Lean in.
#happynewyear2020
📸: @maplehollowphotography

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The life that was lived to bring us to this picture was messy, hard, and griefy. I have always found peace in reading others vulnerabilities within their own stories. I am drawn to raw and real people, no matter how hard the story behind their smiles. I was struggling. I started searching hashtags, desperately trying to find other women that knew the heartache of loss and longing of wanting a family that never seemed to come. That’s when a follow, a like, a message here and there led to a rock solid friendship that has saved me, comforted me and supported me in so many ways. Our stories were crazy similar and also very different, our fertility treatments always lining up, the disappointments lining up too. This past year, her daughter Hazel found their family through adoption and we welcomed Beckett through IVF. Finally celebration hugging our families, yet again in very different ways. Hazel and Katie have healed so many cracks in my life. This moment, this picture of us with our children makes my heart swell with so much happiness.
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If your heart is aching in the wait, in the deep hole of grief. If you’re struggling in any way that makes you feel like nobody could possibly understand - the internet isn’t all bad. There’s someone else feeling the same way out there. Also craving the connection and the understanding. It’s not necessary to shout your woes from the rooftops the way in which some have, but finding a community or even just a support person is crucial for your mental health. There’s someone that is guaranteed to support you in this special corner of the internet. #womensupportingwomen
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In 2020 - maybe you can focus on connection. On relationships. Reach out. Open your heart. Fill some deep lines. Heal. ✨

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Merry Christmas 🎄 Love, us.
Last Christmas I was giving myself shots, with no idea if IVF would ever work for us. This Christmas, we have this little miracle. What a wild ride 🎢

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May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve 🦌🎅🏼 🛷

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And in the core of the merriest time of year, is a hole in my heart the size of you.
✨
Each time Beckett stares in amazement at the tree, I swear his eyes lock on this ornament. I think he knows. Who you are, where you are, and what you mean to this family. And if he doesn’t, he surely will because we will always talk about you. Always. I think he’s looking out for you, while you’re out there somewhere looking out for us. In my next life, you’ll be placing angel ornaments on the tree and will not be the angels on the tree.
✨
If there’s a hole in your heart the size of someone you love this holiday season, I see you. I’m sorry. I hope you’re able to smile upon your love for what is missed.
✨
I would love to know who you’re missing. What is their name? Tell me something about them. ⬇️
#griefmas

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Soaking up these magical moments 🎅🏼 and forever wishing our girl was here with us ✨

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OH H E L L O little rainbow 🌈
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After Adeline died I would walk clear around a store just to avoid the baby section. I’d look the other way if I saw anything baby related. I did this for years. I still do it some days.
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We were deep in fertility treatments when I saw this onesie at @target 🎯. We were nearing the end of our IUI journey and I was trying to dig up any sort of hope and signs I could manage. I was trying to convince myself I was still feeling optimistic. Who else tries to trick their mind? 🧙‍♀️
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I didn’t buy it the first time I saw it. I thought about it each time I went to target (let’s be real y’all, that’s real often 🤪) until one trip I went to look for it. There was 1 left on the clearance rack and I grabbed it. My stomach tightened and I got all nervous but I threw it in the cart and brought it home. It’s the only faith 🙏 purchase I ever bought.
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It’s been tucked away in a drawer until now. Those IUI’s didn’t work and there was much more left to be written in our path to this precious boy but when I pulled this onesie over his head and snapped the three buttons, I was hit by a wave of emotions. 😭
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I’ve never been too sure about how I felt about the term rainbow 🌈 baby until he arrived. But he is 💯 my rainbow baby. And I cannot believe he’s here. In this onesie. Because of science 👩🏻‍🔬. And a lot of love. And bravery. And fear. And perseverance. And hope.
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I don’t know why some of us arrive here with these babes and some don’t, and some continue to wait and that weighs on my heart everyday. I hope your faith purchases get pulled out from the back of the drawer someday, too.
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Grateful. So damn grateful.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

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One month old ☝️
8 pounds 10.5 ounces + 20.3 inches long.
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I love: tummy time, my reflection, sleeping 💤 on momma and daddies chests, my car seat, walks, baths 🛁 and being read to. My favorite books 📚 are Big Red Barn, Miracle, I Love You Night and Day, Be Brave Little One.
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I do not love: diaper changes, laying on my back and my bassinet 🧺(but I’m getting better each day).
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I’m not so sure about: the swing and my dog, Phoebe. 🐕
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During my first month: I flung myself over from my tummy to back at two weeks multiple times, I visited target 🎯 and Costco, I went to the doctor 👩🏼‍⚕️ A LOT because I forgot to gain weight, my grandma 👵🏻 spent the entire month with me, I didn’t sleep unless I was laying on someone, I met all my grandparents 👴🏻, my Uncle D and great cousin Aileen. My momma made waves at work with child care/child birth leave after her leave was denied and as a result there was a change in contract (yay for strong unions) for new employees to be able to take more time off. 💪🏼
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My parents: are sleep deprived 😴, melt at my facial expressions 😯 and cute noises, giggle at my noisy farts and loud snores, and are totally and completely in love with me. 🥰

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I’m still a woman that has cried a cry with a deep roar of desperation, failure and hopelessness. A woman who begged and begged for a living, breathing baby. I’m still a women that felt like infertility had me pinned down on my back while I kicked and screamed for just the tiniest glimmer of hope. I’m still a mother that has lost a child. That left the hospital once before empty handed. Who has sobbed in a pile on the floor, hoping that when I caught my breath that she’d be here. That it was all a big, awful dream. It’s big, yes. it’s awful, yes. And it’s also a torturous truth I carry with me daily. I will always mother both my children. But in two very different ways.
🍂
It was an absolute blessing to carry Beckett to term. To have him arrive safely. My heart is overflowing. But im still infertile. I’m still a mother of two. I still needed IVF to get pregnant. I still have one child in my arms and the other in my heart. Neither of these things disappeared with pregnancy nor are they disappearing with motherhood.
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There’s been a lot of “you can’t sit with us” type of things floating around here on the gram, suggestions that those of us that are pregnant or have living children should find someplace else to go. Both experiences, pregnancy and motherhood after infertility and/or loss, can become really isolating when you slowly step back and tuck yourself behind walls for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and possibly hurting someone else that knows your same challenges. It’s hard to know where to belong and where to turn, if anywhere at all. I understand it can be hard to support people that are in a different place or arriving somewhere with different timing and we need to do whatever is best for us in order to protect our tender hearts. But let’s be careful not to be dismissive of others that are needing to lean on a community they’ve grown to feel safe in and trust.
🍂
Raise your hand if you’ve found yourself in a blissful dream that still feels scary, hard and maybe even lonely. What can I (and we) do to make you feel more supported, less alone? ✨
📸: @maplehollowphotography

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Today is your due date and you are 12 days old. I still can’t believe you’re here. That you are ours. We’ve waited so long for you. 🌈

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Happy Veterans Day
Thank you all for your service 🇺🇸

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One whole week of holding you in my arms.
A hundred mountains 🏔 we’ve climbed to get here.
I love you, my son. ✨
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I want to share this experience and the story with you and I will soon enough. For now, I’ll be in a snuggle puddle.
🧡🌈💛

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He’s here. Introducing our sweet little IVF miracle, Beckett. We are totally and completely in love with him. 💛

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