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Loving Adeline

Infertility and Pregnancy & Infant Loss

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Life after loss ~ Grief ~ Still Birth ~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss ~ Infertility

Follow me on Instagram @lovingadeline

lovingadeline

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One month old ☝️
8 pounds 10.5 ounces + 20.3 inches long.
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I love: tummy time, my reflection, sleeping 💤 on momma and daddies chests, my car seat, walks, baths 🛁 and being read to. My favorite books 📚 are Big Red Barn, Miracle, I Love You Night and Day, Be Brave Little One.
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I do not love: diaper changes, laying on my back and my bassinet 🧺(but I’m getting better each day).
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I’m not so sure about: the swing and my dog, Phoebe. 🐕
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During my first month: I flung myself over from my tummy to back at two weeks multiple times, I visited target 🎯 and Costco, I went to the doctor 👩🏼‍⚕️ A LOT because I forgot to gain weight, my grandma 👵🏻 spent the entire month with me, I didn’t sleep unless I was laying on someone, I met all my grandparents 👴🏻, my Uncle D and great cousin Aileen. My momma made waves at work with child care/child birth leave after her leave was denied and as a result there was a change in contract (yay for strong unions) for new employees to be able to take more time off. 💪🏼
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My parents: are sleep deprived 😴, melt at my facial expressions 😯 and cute noises, giggle at my noisy farts and loud snores, and are totally and completely in love with me. 🥰

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I’m still a woman that has cried a cry with a deep roar of desperation, failure and hopelessness. A woman who begged and begged for a living, breathing baby. I’m still a women that felt like infertility had me pinned down on my back while I kicked and screamed for just the tiniest glimmer of hope. I’m still a mother that has lost a child. That left the hospital once before empty handed. Who has sobbed in a pile on the floor, hoping that when I caught my breath that she’d be here. That it was all a big, awful dream. It’s big, yes. it’s awful, yes. And it’s also a torturous truth I carry with me daily. I will always mother both my children. But in two very different ways.
🍂
It was an absolute blessing to carry Beckett to term. To have him arrive safely. My heart is overflowing. But im still infertile. I’m still a mother of two. I still needed IVF to get pregnant. I still have one child in my arms and the other in my heart. Neither of these things disappeared with pregnancy nor are they disappearing with motherhood.
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There’s been a lot of “you can’t sit with us” type of things floating around here on the gram, suggestions that those of us that are pregnant or have living children should find someplace else to go. Both experiences, pregnancy and motherhood after infertility and/or loss, can become really isolating when you slowly step back and tuck yourself behind walls for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and possibly hurting someone else that knows your same challenges. It’s hard to know where to belong and where to turn, if anywhere at all. I understand it can be hard to support people that are in a different place or arriving somewhere with different timing and we need to do whatever is best for us in order to protect our tender hearts. But let’s be careful not to be dismissive of others that are needing to lean on a community they’ve grown to feel safe in and trust.
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Raise your hand if you’ve found yourself in a blissful dream that still feels scary, hard and maybe even lonely. What can I (and we) do to make you feel more supported, less alone? ✨
📸: @maplehollowphotography

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Today is your due date and you are 12 days old. I still can’t believe you’re here. That you are ours. We’ve waited so long for you. 🌈

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Happy Veterans Day
Thank you all for your service 🇺🇸

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One whole week of holding you in my arms.
A hundred mountains 🏔 we’ve climbed to get here.
I love you, my son. ✨
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I want to share this experience and the story with you and I will soon enough. For now, I’ll be in a snuggle puddle.
🧡🌈💛

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He’s here. Introducing our sweet little IVF miracle, Beckett. We are totally and completely in love with him. 💛

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I don’t know who needs to hear this today (besides me) but you can do this. And get through this. 🧡

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I cannot even believe how close we are to meeting this little guy. Just over two weeks until due date. 🥰 I am mega swollen, I’m walking realllll slow, sleeping and laying down is darn near impossible, and turns out lightning crotch is a real thing. Pregnancy is glamorous, my friends. And the last month is actually like 400 years. All that and still I couldn’t be more grateful. I’m actually feeling pretty lucky with how good I do feel and how healthy this pregnancy has been. I am still working, still on my feet all day long, still yoga-ing 🧘🏻‍♀️ and just so damn excited to meet this little guy. The distraction of work has probably been the best thing for me because I don’t have hardly a moment to let my anxiety of getting this guy home safe and sound spiral. Hubs and I have no clue on a name but my kindergarteners have voted on the name Pizza so we might just have to go with that. 🤷🏻‍♀️
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Ivf mommas - how close to due date did baby come? Did your doctor not allow you to go past a certain point because of it being an ivf pregnancy? Today our nurse told us that they won’t let us go much past 40 weeks because of the exactness of ivf pregnancies. I had no idea!
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Almost showtime, little man 👶🏼

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I got to give birth, just like the next mother.
I had an epidural.
I had contractions.
I had to heal from birth.
My milk came in.

But what I didn’t get to do?
I didn’t get to attend the birth classes.
I had to make a phone call to the hospital to tell them I wouldn’t make it because my daughter was dead.
I didn’t get to feed my child.
I had to stand in the shower in tears because my breasts hurt so bad from engorgement.
I didn’t get to go home with a birth certificate.
I went home with a death certificate and funeral home arrangements.
There are so many more things I’ve never had the chance to do.

This past week we installed this car seat.
But this isn’t the picture from this last week.
It’s the same car seat, only 3.5 years ago when we got it for Adeline.
Her car seat is in my car.
She never got to use it.
We attended the hospital for the same birth classes that we planned on going to before.
We had a tour of the hospital - and I completely lost my breath when we walked into one of the birthing rooms. In the very hospital we gave birth at before.

Everyday, I am in total disbelief that I have her little brother thriving inside me.
I am not lost on the gift that he is to our family.
We are over the moon and can’t wait to meet him.

However, you won’t ever hear me say “I couldn’t be happier.”
That will never be a true statement.
I could be happier.
If his sister was here to meet him and grow with him and bug him and love him.
Something will always be missing from our family.
And I need you to be ok with that.

#pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth #pailawareness

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Even in the middle of the darkest days, we can find some light. These girls have been the biggest light for me through loss, infertility and pregnancy following all of it. Find the people that root for you and hold you up with support even when your story looks different, takes off in different directions and continuously show up anyways. There’s so many more of you who have been there but today, I got to spend some time with these ones. Forever grateful for you girls. 💛🍍
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@hopingforahuntling @ttcbabyawesome @jennyleeyoung

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We flew to California last weekend for 24 hours and made the absolute most of every minute 🛫. It still feels totally unreal that we had a baby shower. We have waited so long to get here and weren’t sure we would do one at all but we are so happy that we did. Being surrounded by our family for the first time in 3 years and for this miracle babe was downright magical. ✨
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I am so proud of this baby bump and am cherishing every single day🤰🏻. Thank you @pinkblushmaternity for the dress - I felt beautiful in it all day long and it’s SO soft and comfortable.
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More from the baby shower on the blog. Link in bio. 🎈
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#babyshower #miraclebaby #togetherwearebrave #prettyinpinkblush #sponsored

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Happy anniversary, love. Each year, we put our wedding day getup on and have dessert and exchange gifts. This year, I was able to get my dress over my head but zipping it or sitting down were out of the question 🤣 so obligatory picture and a quick change into cozies was how it went down this year. Couldn’t be happier to be 32 weeks pregnant on the dot on our wedding anniversary. 💕

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Feeling all the feels. In California for 24 hours to spend the day with family that we tremendously miss, showering this miracle baby. Wishing his big sister was with us for this.

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It's time for #ThursdayNightFertilityChat 🍍
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There is such a presence of those going through infertility in the instagram world that we thought it would be fun to have a late night chat about a topic that 1 in 8 can relate to. This is a time to talk about all things related to fertility - the good, the bad, and everything in between. I have teamed up with @trustinginduetime and @momsinthemaking as well as some other amazing women to create a designated space that allows us to do just that every 2nd and 4th Thursday!
Thanks for joining our #ThursdayNightFertilityChat

1. FOLLOW me @lovingadeline
2. POST your answer to the questions in the comments below.
3. CLICK on the photo to go to the next question. Once you get back to me, you have completed the chat loop.

It’s such a challenge to not think about what you don’t have and not to compare your journey with someone else’s when this process can be so consuming. Through it all I feel like we also get the opportunity to get to know ourselves better. What is something you have learned about yourself during this process?

Through all this exhaustion, heartache, worry, waiting, wondering - I have learned that I really can do really hard things (even if I’d rather not). For most of my life I’ve let my anxiety take hold of me and I would just crumble under pressure, give up so easy, and walk away from things that felt just too darn hard. Through this, I’ve gained the understanding that I can do it. That I can persevere through really tough stuff. And even if I might come out the other end all banged up and bruised - that I’m better for it. I’m a better friend for it. Better wife. Better teacher. Better student. Better daughter. And so on. It wasn’t until I wasn’t given a choice, with loss, with infertility, that I realized just how strong I am. And so are you. Our stories matter 💛

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✨Third trimester ✨
The fact we have made it this far still doesn’t seem real. It’s only been a couple weeks since we passed the amount of time we were pregnant with Adeline, something that felt absolutely impossible for the past 3 years and up until the day it happened. That makes my heart ache for her short lived life and makes my heart happy that this little one is still thriving in there. I feel humongous but the doctor has said that my weight gain is right on track and baby is measuring just as expected. It apparently isn’t a guessing game anymore because in the last week I’ve been asked A LOT when I am due or if I’m pregnant from people I don’t really know. It doesn’t bug me, but I’ve been living in a bubble where I didn’t think we asked women this question, ever. I survived the glucose drink today (it was gross but not near as bad as everyone makes it out to be) and my arm is useless after the Tdap but I’m feeling so very grateful for making it to this giant milestone. Here’s to unchartered territory and just twelve weeks to go. 🌈
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Milestone cards by @nutsboltspaper

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33 trips around the sun. I once this year had to use the calculator on my phone to figure out how old I was while sitting at a pharmacy. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣👵🏻 Maybe that doesn’t mean I’m an old hag and really just means I am finally no longer caught up in the number and ridiculous expectations I used to put on myself - you know, the “I’m going to have this by this age,” and “do that by that age.” Infertility and loss will teach you real quick to let those things go. The 30s have dealt me some real doozy hands but I’ve also never felt so alive. So comfortable. So lucky for the people in my life. 🍀💕

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Sitting in the Sacramento airport missing this view already. Feeling so much lighter after frolicking for 7 days on these jagged bluffs. I’m also more than ready to be home to my husband and puppy and to pick up the keys to my classroom tomorrow! 💕#fullheart #clearmind

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My little miracle - I can’t wait to share this remarkable hometown of mine with you someday and often. 🏡

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There is something magical about returning to a place that shaped your entire life for years yet when you’re there you realize that you couldn’t be more different than when you left this place. And then being able to love both versions of yourself but loving the transformation the most. ✨
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There’s so much beauty in our stories, in our pasts, in our beating hearts and in the path that lies unknowingly ahead.
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Embrace it.
Own it.
TELL it.🌻

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“I’m glad you’re getting through the anxiety.”
Words from a well meaning person. It’s not the first time I’ve been told something along these lines. I know it’s coming from a good place, I know people who say this don’t mean any harm. It’s triggering though. To get through something means to arrive at the end of something, particularly something difficult. I’m anxious because I’m so worried about my baby dying, just like last time. I don’t know that I’ll ever arrive at the end of that. And to be honest, I don’t know if I want to. I hang on to my fears because I’m afraid if I let them go, that I’ll also be letting Adeline go. I just wish that we could meet people with responses that show support rather than coming across as people wanting you to be fixed because it makes them uncomfortable for you to not be 100% joyful.
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Some alternatives that could be said instead: “I see how hard this is for you and I want you to know I’m here for you.” “What you are feeling is really hard and you’re doing a great job.” “It’s ok to be scared.” “Your worries/triggers are not silly.” “What can I do to support you?”
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Today I am 24 weeks 5 days pregnant and I am not “getting through my anxiety.” Instead what I’m doing is leaning INTO my anxiety. Anxiety stems from a place of trying to protect ourselves from danger or trauma. Do I have any control over this situation? No. But is it ok to be scared? Yes. I’m not trying to control the situation, but pregnancy is really scary after loss. It’s really no wonder my mind is trying to protect me, it’s been through a blazing fire before. So by leaning into my anxiety, I’m able to identify what’s scaring me, recognize when it’s showing up, and instead of spiraling or worse trying to “fix” myself or put a time limit on how I’m feeling, I’m able to work on myself in a more productive way while still carrying the very real fear.
And the very real love where it comes from.
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The more I lean into my fear, the more I’m able to lean into this pregnancy. I don’t need to be cured to be grateful. I can be scared to death and over the moon at the same time. I can lean in without “getting through.”
And so can you.
So, lean in.
Lean in.
Lean in.
✨

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