Maybe you are a momma that has experienced pregnancy or child loss. Maybe you are a father that has experienced this. Maybe you are a relative, a loved one, a colleague of someone who has experienced the unimaginable. Maybe you don’t know anyone who has experienced this and you are genuinely curious.
Whatever it may be, I hope that you can find something here that resonates with you. I am by no means an expert in the area. However, I am a momma who has a grieving heart, and I hope to offer what it’s like from my perspective to lose a child and to battle with fertility issues. I hope to gain what it is like from your perspective. That is how we learn, after all.
So, who am I anyways?
Well, this is me, Jean-e.
On the coast of California sits a little town amidst the redwood trees and the whales, which is where my roots are. Seattle is where I have drifted, where there is less rain than most people think and THE best summers that exist. (And they are even longer than 2 weeks, no joke!) I have worked with kids in some capacity since I was a kid myself. I have nannied, worked with children with learning disabilities, taught preschool and now I am in the process of *finally* getting my teaching credential.
And this is Phoebe, who acts just like Phoebe from Friends. You got it – super spazztastic! Having a dog is life! She has been through so much with me and my husband and has literally licked so many tears away.
I had always had it my mind that I would be married, own a home and have children by the time I was 30. Why do we do this to ourselves as women? We dream up this age where we think we are supposed to have it all together. In the year leading up to my 30th birthday, I got married, got pregnant, bought a house and I gave birth to my beautiful little angel, Adeline. Never in my worst nightmare did I go home from the hospital without my child. Until I did. Not quite what I had imagined when I spent years dreaming this dream.
I’ve always had a fear of not being able to have children. I suddenly knew so many people that were struggling to expand their families. My husband was still my boyfriend at the the time and had just recently moved in to my place after finishing his time in the Army, so as you can imagine he was a bit resistant when I first brought up the idea of trying to have children sooner rather than later. “But what if it takes forever? There is never going to be the right time,” are the arguments I used. It wasn’t long after that we had decided to try to have children. It didn’t take forever this first time around and we were thrilled, shocked, nervous and excited when we found out on my husband’s birthday that we were expecting a child! I had a pretty easy pregnancy, I was rarely sick, I experienced the tired that you can’t describe in the first trimester and had a little scare with subchorionic hematoma bleeding early on. It wasn’t until our 20 week appointment did we know that our daughter had most likely had stroke in utero as early as 12 weeks, her brain was not developing, and was quickly filling with unwanted fluid. The next few weeks consisted of a million doctors appointments, a million tears and an early delivery to our baby girl. I will never know the color of her eyes, but I do know her perfect little angelic face looked just like her daddies. I will always wonder what she would have been like.
I have always struggled with words and feelings and expressing emotions out loud, which is why I have always turned to writing as an outlet. I was in too much emotional and mental pain after having our daughter, to put things down in writing. That made it too real, and it took quite some time until I realized – This is real. This is my new life. My daughter is an angel babe. I am a loss momma.
But, where do I fit? Because… I’m a momma too. And that is a reality and an identity that can feel so isolating. I now know I am not the only one struggling and living this. It is because I am slightly socially awkward and definitely closed off that I have found this TRIBE on social media.
I never wanted this to be my story.
But now that it is, I am glad it is you strong ass women that I get to figure this new reality out with.
I am not alone. We are not alone. I am a strong ass woman, and you are too. You are a WARRIOR. Remember that.
Welcome to my blog, where I plan to pour my heart out and not sugar coat any part of this journey.