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You are here: Home / Blog / I’m Not Brave – I’m Simply A Parent

I’m Not Brave – I’m Simply A Parent

May 20, 2020 Blog, Infertility & Loss

*This post may contain affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you, if you make a purchase through a link!*

Originally published at Still Standing Magazine
(A phenomenal resource for those who have experienced or are looking to support someone who has experienced pregnancy and/or infant loss. Your story matters. Do you want to share it? You can write for Still Standing Magazine here.)

You keep telling me how brave I am.
I know you don’t know what else to say to a loss parent.
Sometimes I believe you.
Sometimes I do feel brave.
Sometimes you’re right.

You keep telling me how brave I am.

I think I am too.
I think it’s brave that I left the house today.
That I showed up to a baby shower after sobbing in the car.
That I return to work every day even though I work with kids.
That I messaged you and answered a call from a friend today.

I think it’s brave that I checked the mail even though I know the hospital bills and the baby-related coupons are still flooding the box.

That I didn’t leave Target today when there were multiple babies crying and my surroundings started spinning.

That I logged onto Facebook knowing that the first thing I’d likely see was another announcement or a picture of your living children.

I feel brave when I can do that.

You keep telling me how brave I am.

There are so many things that I can’t always do.
So when I can,
When I can face you,
When I attend a social gathering,

When I don’t walk completely around the store just to avoid the baby section, then I believe you.

I feel brave when I can do that.

You keep telling me how brave I am.

But sometimes…
Sometimes it feels insulting.

When I post pictures of my daughter,
When I wish her a happy birthday,
And my husband a Happy Father’s Day.
When I talk about my daughter,
When I say her name.

You think it’s so brave when I talk about the memories I have of her and my pregnancy.

There is nothing that can be done to take away the pain of losing a child, regardless of the age or circumstance. A simple small gift to let your loved one know you are thinking of them and their angel(s) goes a long ways.
There’s More to my Story Tee | Angel Mama Necklace |
Forget Me Not Necklace | Angel Mama Tee

You keep telling me how brave I am.

But here’s the thing,
A lot of the times when you say this,
It feels like a blow.

What if I told you how brave you were?
On your child’s birthday,
When you post a picture of the day your kid was born,
When you share memories of your children,
When you hang their stocking on the mantle.
Or save your favorite outfits of theirs.

Do you feel brave when you do that?

Or do you… feel like a parent?

You keep telling me how brave I am.

Sometimes I believe you.
Sometimes I feel brave.
Sometimes you’re right.

You keep telling me how brave I am.

But when I’m talking about my daughter,
Honoring her,
Telling you about her,
Sharing pictures of her with the world,

When I do this,
I don’t believe you.
I don’t feel brave.

I feel like a parent.

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Happy birthday, Adeline. Year five. The edges aren Happy birthday, Adeline. Year five. The edges aren’t as jagged anymore from day to day but when the waves come crashing, they still feel just as intense and heavy. You would have been the best big sister to Beckett. He points to the Angel in his room in the mornings and we say “good morning” everyday. He gave me a kiss from his “Addie Bear” at bedtime tonight. He knows. I’m just so angry I can’t watch the two of you grow up together. We all love you so much and miss you and wish you were here with us.
.
.
.
📸: @maplehollowphotography
Necklace: @seededhope
Posting holiday content on schedule would be way o Posting holiday content on schedule would be way off brand for me - so here we are, two days late in true Jean fashion. Any one else have high expectations and poor execution? 🤪 Regardless, how CUTE is he?!
My Valentine’s ❄️🤍❄️ . A snowy Valent My Valentine’s ❄️🤍❄️
.
A snowy Valentine’s Day feels all kinds of magical. Taking a minute for myself (whoa!) and watching the snow fall outside my window from under the coziest of blankets.
.
I think the best snow days are the ones where people from California don’t need to drive anywhere 🤣 What does your “perfect” snow day look like?
My fragile February heart needed this fun snow day My fragile February heart needed this fun snow day with my boy. Next week will be two years since we transferred this little frosty ❄️ in the middle of a Seattle snowstorm. I still can’t believe science brought us this sweet, gentle soul to love on everyday. I love you snow much, B. 🌨

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Happy birthday, Adeline. Year five. The edges aren Happy birthday, Adeline. Year five. The edges aren’t as jagged anymore from day to day but when the waves come crashing, they still feel just as intense and heavy. You would have been the best big sister to Beckett. He points to the Angel in his room in the mornings and we say “good morning” everyday. He gave me a kiss from his “Addie Bear” at bedtime tonight. He knows. I’m just so angry I can’t watch the two of you grow up together. We all love you so much and miss you and wish you were here with us.
.
.
.
📸: @maplehollowphotography
Necklace: @seededhope
Posting holiday content on schedule would be way o Posting holiday content on schedule would be way off brand for me - so here we are, two days late in true Jean fashion. Any one else have high expectations and poor execution? 🤪 Regardless, how CUTE is he?!
My Valentine’s ❄️🤍❄️ . A snowy Valent My Valentine’s ❄️🤍❄️
.
A snowy Valentine’s Day feels all kinds of magical. Taking a minute for myself (whoa!) and watching the snow fall outside my window from under the coziest of blankets.
.
I think the best snow days are the ones where people from California don’t need to drive anywhere 🤣 What does your “perfect” snow day look like?
My fragile February heart needed this fun snow day My fragile February heart needed this fun snow day with my boy. Next week will be two years since we transferred this little frosty ❄️ in the middle of a Seattle snowstorm. I still can’t believe science brought us this sweet, gentle soul to love on everyday. I love you snow much, B. 🌨
Happy anniversary, love - the one where she was th Happy anniversary, love - the one where she was there 🤍
If you’re wondering if I’m emotional about tin If you’re wondering if I’m emotional about tiny, yellow rain boots (literally no one is wondering) the answer is YES. It’s one of those items I just couldn’t wait to buy.
.
B is downright obsessed with being outside and he will bring me my shoes and point to his rain boots so I’ll take him outside.
.
Then he grabs my hand and leads me outside. HEART. MELTS.
.
His hand in my hand, the tiny yellow rain boots, the smile and our joy when he is outside - I never want to forget these moments and how emotional they make me feel.
.
This is it. This is what I’ve always wanted. 💛
I have been on the verge of tears for a couple wee I have been on the verge of tears for a couple weeks.
.
We have been watching Kingdom on Netflix and there’s a late term pregnancy loss with some really, heavy grief scenes. 
.
It wasn’t the loss itself that knocked the wind out of me but the grief scenes - they were so raw and deep and painful.
.
And I went there, right away.
.
While I have more better and brighter days than dark and painful days now, those tender, griefy spots are and will always be right under the surface.
.
I then was unraveling at loss posts and I started beating myself up - where was this coming from? Why was it triggering more than usual?
.
Then I realized, it was almost February. And now here we are. It’s always near impossible for me to physically turn our wall calendar to February. 
.
I hate marking another year without our girl.
.
I miss her so so much.
19 more days. 🤍
My team, my boys, my everything 🖤 My team, my boys, my everything 🖤
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