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Infertility and Pregnancy & Infant Loss

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Published

I’m Not Brave – I’m Simply A Parent on Still Standing Magazine

The Trauma Wiped My Memory Clean on The InfertiliTea

Stillbirth, Infertility, A Short Luteal Phase & Having Gratitude on Hello Warrior

loving adeline published
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Hey there

Life after loss ~ Grief ~ Still Birth ~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss ~ Infertility

Follow me on Instagram @lovingadeline

lovingadeline
Instagram post 2153873192530582002_5900764718 I got to give birth, just like the next mother. I had an epidural. I had contractions. I had to heal from birth. My milk came in. But what I didn’t get to do? I didn’t get to attend the birth classes. I had to make a phone call to the hospital to tell them I wouldn’t make it because my daughter was dead. I didn’t get to feed my child. I had to stand in the shower in tears because my breasts hurt so bad from engorgement. I didn’t get to go home with a birth certificate. I went home with a death certificate and funeral home arrangements. There are so many more things I’ve never had the chance to do. This past week we installed this car seat. But this isn’t the picture from this last week. It’s the same car seat, only 3.5 years ago when we got it for Adeline. Her car seat is in my car. She never got to use it. We attended the hospital for the same birth classes that we planned on going to before. We had a tour of the hospital - and I completely lost my breath when we walked into one of the birthing rooms. In the very hospital we gave birth at before. Everyday, I am in total disbelief that I have her little brother thriving inside me. I am not lost on the gift that he is to our family. We are over the moon and can’t wait to meet him. However, you won’t ever hear me say “I couldn’t be happier.” That will never be a true statement. I could be happier. If his sister was here to meet him and grow with him and bug him and love him. Something will always be missing from our family. And I need you to be ok with that. #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth #pailawareness
Instagram post 2149231935778810087_5900764718 Even in the middle of the darkest days, we can find some light. These girls have been the biggest light for me through loss, infertility and pregnancy following all of it. Find the people that root for you and hold you up with support even when your story looks different, takes off in different directions and continuously show up anyways. There’s so many more of you who have been there but today, I got to spend some time with these ones. Forever grateful for you girls. 💛🍍 . . @hopingforahuntling @ttcbabyawesome @jennyleeyoung
Instagram post 2138823851092923896_5900764718 We flew to California last weekend for 24 hours and made the absolute most of every minute 🛫. It still feels totally unreal that we had a baby shower. We have waited so long to get here and weren’t sure we would do one at all but we are so happy that we did. Being surrounded by our family for the first time in 3 years and for this miracle babe was downright magical. ✨ . . I am so proud of this baby bump and am cherishing every single day🤰🏻. Thank you @pinkblushmaternity for the dress - I felt beautiful in it all day long and it’s SO soft and comfortable. . . More from the baby shower on the blog. Link in bio. 🎈 . . #babyshower #miraclebaby #togetherwearebrave #prettyinpinkblush #sponsored
Instagram post 2135419355146813136_5900764718 Happy anniversary, love. Each year, we put our wedding day getup on and have dessert and exchange gifts. This year, I was able to get my dress over my head but zipping it or sitting down were out of the question 🤣 so obligatory picture and a quick change into cozies was how it went down this year. Couldn’t be happier to be 32 weeks pregnant on the dot on our wedding anniversary. 💕
Instagram post 2132952938971434032_5900764718 Feeling all the feels. In California for 24 hours to spend the day with family that we tremendously miss, showering this miracle baby. Wishing his big sister was with us for this.
Instagram post 2116477723630591241_5900764718 It's time for #ThursdayNightFertilityChat 🍍 . There is such a presence of those going through infertility in the instagram world that we thought it would be fun to have a late night chat about a topic that 1 in 8 can relate to. This is a time to talk about all things related to fertility - the good, the bad, and everything in between. I have teamed up with @trustinginduetime and @momsinthemaking as well as some other amazing women to create a designated space that allows us to do just that every 2nd and 4th Thursday!  Thanks for joining our #ThursdayNightFertilityChat 1. FOLLOW me @lovingadeline 2. POST your answer to the questions in the comments below. 3. CLICK on the photo to go to the next question. Once you get back to me, you have completed the chat loop. It’s such a challenge to not think about what you don’t have and not to compare your journey with someone else’s when this process can be so consuming. Through it all I feel like we also get the opportunity to get to know ourselves better. What is something you have learned about yourself during this process? Through all this exhaustion, heartache, worry, waiting, wondering - I have learned that I really can do really hard things (even if I’d rather not). For most of my life I’ve let my anxiety take hold of me and I would just crumble under pressure, give up so easy, and walk away from things that felt just too darn hard. Through this, I’ve gained the understanding that I can do it. That I can persevere through really tough stuff. And even if I might come out the other end all banged up and bruised - that I’m better for it. I’m a better friend for it. Better wife. Better teacher. Better student. Better daughter. And so on. It wasn’t until I wasn’t given a choice, with loss, with infertility, that I realized just how strong I am. And so are you. Our stories matter 💛
Instagram post 2115137367592688713_5900764718 ✨Third trimester ✨ The fact we have made it this far still doesn’t seem real. It’s only been a couple weeks since we passed the amount of time we were pregnant with Adeline, something that felt absolutely impossible for the past 3 years and up until the day it happened. That makes my heart ache for her short lived life and makes my heart happy that this little one is still thriving in there. I feel humongous but the doctor has said that my weight gain is right on track and baby is measuring just as expected. It apparently isn’t a guessing game anymore because in the last week I’ve been asked A LOT when I am due or if I’m pregnant from people I don’t really know. It doesn’t bug me, but I’ve been living in a bubble where I didn’t think we asked women this question, ever. I survived the glucose drink today (it was gross but not near as bad as everyone makes it out to be) and my arm is useless after the Tdap but I’m feeling so very grateful for making it to this giant milestone. Here’s to unchartered territory and just twelve weeks to go. 🌈 . . . . Milestone cards by @nutsboltspaper
Instagram post 2107877526272981972_5900764718 33 trips around the sun. I once this year had to use the calculator on my phone to figure out how old I was while sitting at a pharmacy. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣👵🏻 Maybe that doesn’t mean I’m an old hag and really just means I am finally no longer caught up in the number and ridiculous expectations I used to put on myself - you know, the “I’m going to have this by this age,” and “do that by that age.” Infertility and loss will teach you real quick to let those things go. The 30s have dealt me some real doozy hands but I’ve also never felt so alive. So comfortable. So lucky for the people in my life. 🍀💕
Instagram post 2104858936644735511_5900764718 Sitting in the Sacramento airport missing this view already. Feeling so much lighter after frolicking for 7 days on these jagged bluffs. I’m also more than ready to be home to my husband and puppy and to pick up the keys to my classroom tomorrow! 💕#fullheart #clearmind
Instagram post 2103499152498698209_5900764718 My little miracle - I can’t wait to share this remarkable hometown of mine with you someday and often. 🏡
Instagram post 2102445453827449264_5900764718 There is something magical about returning to a place that shaped your entire life for years yet when you’re there you realize that you couldn’t be more different than when you left this place. And then being able to love both versions of yourself but loving the transformation the most. ✨ . There’s so much beauty in our stories, in our pasts, in our beating hearts and in the path that lies unknowingly ahead. . Embrace it. Own it. TELL it.🌻
Instagram post 2097740540006440075_5900764718 “I’m glad you’re getting through the anxiety.” Words from a well meaning person. It’s not the first time I’ve been told something along these lines. I know it’s coming from a good place, I know people who say this don’t mean any harm. It’s triggering though. To get through something means to arrive at the end of something, particularly something difficult. I’m anxious because I’m so worried about my baby dying, just like last time. I don’t know that I’ll ever arrive at the end of that. And to be honest, I don’t know if I want to. I hang on to my fears because I’m afraid if I let them go, that I’ll also be letting Adeline go. I just wish that we could meet people with responses that show support rather than coming across as people wanting you to be fixed because it makes them uncomfortable for you to not be 100% joyful. . Some alternatives that could be said instead: “I see how hard this is for you and I want you to know I’m here for you.” “What you are feeling is really hard and you’re doing a great job.” “It’s ok to be scared.” “Your worries/triggers are not silly.” “What can I do to support you?” . Today I am 24 weeks 5 days pregnant and I am not “getting through my anxiety.” Instead what I’m doing is leaning INTO my anxiety. Anxiety stems from a place of trying to protect ourselves from danger or trauma. Do I have any control over this situation? No. But is it ok to be scared? Yes. I’m not trying to control the situation, but pregnancy is really scary after loss. It’s really no wonder my mind is trying to protect me, it’s been through a blazing fire before. So by leaning into my anxiety, I’m able to identify what’s scaring me, recognize when it’s showing up, and instead of spiraling or worse trying to “fix” myself or put a time limit on how I’m feeling, I’m able to work on myself in a more productive way while still carrying the very real fear. And the very real love where it comes from. . The more I lean into my fear, the more I’m able to lean into this pregnancy. I don’t need to be cured to be grateful. I can be scared to death and over the moon at the same time. I can lean in without “getting through.” And so can you. So, lean in. Lean in. Lean in. ✨
Instagram post 2097007028387199633_5900764718 Pause. Reflect. Breathe. Continue in your own time. . That need to rush? That is just societal noise. Go at your own speed. . Give yourself grace. 🌿
Instagram post 2095282361477674689_5900764718 “his love roared louder than her demons.” . Sweet summertime memories popping up on Facebook today. Five years ago. Same man, bigger love. Doing life with you is my favorite, @dilly_bearz 🥰
Instagram post 2093751574668328282_5900764718 Living his best life. 🚤 . Summer has arrived! 🌞 We had a great day in the sun and on the boat with family yesterday. But I am WORN OUT. It’s crazy how tired you can get just by relaxing in the sun, out on the water! 🌊 It felt amazing to dunk this human submarine into the water, but getting back into the boat was... entertaining. 🐳 . Today, I’ll be napping, reading and recouping. 💤
Instagram post 2091931902889420866_5900764718 WHERE IS THE SUN? ☁️ No, really. I never plan vacations away from Seattle during the summer because it is 90% the reason I even live here. But this summer?? Has yet to arrive 🙄 It’s July and my legs still look like it’s January 👻 So here is a picture of us from our trip to Arizona this past March (also the same color skin as currently). . Is summer where you live typically too good to ditch or is it the time of year you’re ready to run? ☀️
Instagram post 2091044500184273517_5900764718 Throwback Thursday 🧬 The day of our frozen embryo transfer ( #fet ) was a day that absolutely blew me away. A procedure with so much build up, that takes only but a couple of minutes, with an explosive amount of anticipation and fear and wonder. ✨ A procedure where you instantly fall in love with a ball of cells. 🔬 For us, this day led to the long awaited positive test - something we will never take for granted. Who has an embryo transfer coming up? What are your greatest hopes and fears? What do you need? There’s a new blog post in my bio on what our transfer day looked like. 🌱
Instagram post 2082500312119400104_5900764718 I don’t know how to say this or how to go about this so I’m just going to blurt it out - We are pregnant. 🤰🏻 On February 25th, just 5 days after our Adeline’s third heavenly birthday, in the middle of a Seattle snowstorm, we thawed and transferred our highest quality embryo. That should be easy to say, easy to announce, but the truth is it’s not that simple. It’s so complicated. Pregnancy after loss is no joke. Pregnancy after infertility is scary. Knowing that this news can be so devastating for someone else just rips my heart right open because I know exactly how you feel. 💛 I wish I still had the naivety of pregnancy but now I know what can happen, at any stage. So, even though I thought I’d shout it from the rooftops the second we found out, I’ve found myself feeling incredibly guarded and private. Yet somehow amidst all the fear and anxiety and worries, we are feeling so so grateful and so so lucky. We are taking things day by day - with an enormous amount of shaky courage. We know that IVF isn’t an option for everyone, we also know it doesn’t always lead to this outcome. We are pretty big fans of science these days. 🧬🔬 To those of you still in the wait - it is my greatest wish for each of you to find hope in this news and that your family will feel complete in whichever way the universe decides that should occur. I’m still here for all of you. And I still need you. Together, we are brave. 🍍🍍🍍
Instagram post 2077978543396275641_5900764718 Calling all oat milk latte lovers ☕️ there’s a new coffee shop in Kirkland and their oat milk latte is the creamiest, to die for latte that has ever been had. 🥰 Bonus: the spot is killing the modern mid century vibes 🌱
Instagram post 2070898002767473408_5900764718 At the age of 5, I knew with every ounce of my being that I was going to be a teacher. I absolutely loved school, the homework, the supplies, the BOOKS, the math, the friends, learning. I loved it all until I went to middle school. And then I began to struggle. I wasn’t part of the in crowd, I was bullied and humiliated and had teachers who met my struggle with inconsideration. It only got worse as I got older. In high school I was told that I’d never go to college. These words stuck with me, it got to a point where I believed them, and it kept me from so much for so long. I tried to go to college after high school and I would do ok until there were presentations because I would have panic attacks from the years of people making fun of me when I had to speak in large groups - so I would just stop going. But then I lost Adeline. And then infertility snuck up on me. And with these things - I learned that nothing would ever be as hard or scary as losing a child and the dream of a family. So I took a leap of faith. I’ve worked my rear off for the past three years for this. For something I always wanted but believed all the negative things I’d heard for so long. I started school a month shy of a year of losing Adeline. I sat in class with migraines and hot flashes from fertility medications. I celebrated Adeline’s first birthday, second birthday and third birthday. I had 6 failed IUIS, two miscarriages and a whole lot of grief. I student taught while going through IVF. It’s unreal what I believed about myself for so long. That I couldn’t do this. Yet, I have graduated with honors and an unbelievably positive experience through all the hard. It’s amazing what we can actually endure isn’t in? Here I am- ready for my own classroom. Where I always knew I’d be. Ready to be the positive voice and encouragement so many kids go through school without. Ready. Ready. R e a d y.
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