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You are here: Home / Blog / Stillbirth Grief Two Years Later

Stillbirth Grief Two Years Later

February 20, 2018 Blog, Infertility & Loss

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I don’t have anything planned for today’s blog post so bear with me while I work through my emotions.

Today, Adeline Angel is celebrating her second birthday from the heavens above and I am still earth-side constantly wondering what today would have been like had there been a different outcome.

I stood in the kitchen yesterday with a chopping knife in one hand, the water running in the sink, a pile of vegetables ready to be prepared. Nothing out of the ordinary, food prep is the way we start every week.
But this week, this week I can’t focus.
I stood in the kitchen with tears falling faster from my face than the water in the sink.

I have reached two years. This is what my grief is like after two years.

It’s still there. I still grieve. It still hurts like hell.

There are a lot more better days but the bad days are still just as raw and real as they were on day one. I don’t lose it in public as often anymore but there are still days I will lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the floor with my back against the wall and just cry for her.

Most people still don’t want to talk about her. Don’t want to say her name. Don’t really acknowledge her existence at all. Which is hard. I want to talk about her, show her pictures, tell people how loved she is. I understand grief is uncomfortable for people and that is unfortunate. This doesn’t mean I don’t love these people, it just creates an awkward air in the room.

There are people who do acknowledge her, acknowledge us as parents and reach out. For these people, I am grateful. I also love these people, and I don’t love them any more than the people that don’t know how to talk about her. But I sure hang on to these friendships.

There is still one room in our house that has practically nothing in it. It’s supposed to be hers. In the closet is her box of stuff. Propped against one of the walls are a pair of beautiful metal angel wings. I do my makeup in this room everyday and everyday I think about her while I am alone getting ready. I can’t hardly walk into that room without imagining a crib in the corner and drawers filled with adorable 2T clothes.

Not all the pain is bad. Good things have come from this pain.

Adeline made me a mother. She will always be my first born. And I would never, ever change that and I would do it all over again.

I’m getting to know the new me. I dodge small talk and crave meaningful conversations. The relationships I put forth effort for are absent of drama and overflowing with honesty and love.

I have discovered an incredible network through social media. A tribe of warrior parents who are the only people in this world that can understand what it’s like. It breaks my heart that there are so many of us, and it helps stitch my heart to have found them.

I’ve discovered my strength. I realize how cliche that sounds but it couldn’t be more true. I get up in the morning and keep going. I brave a world of people that feel the need to ask why we don’t have kids, when we want kids, or how many kids we have. I’ve realized that I’m way more capable than I have ever given myself credit for when it comes to tackling things that are hard and uncomfortable.

Nothing will ever be as uncomfortable as losing a child and because of that I quit making excuses for going after things that I want. I had so much fear of failing before. Which is still definitely there, but my fears are different and my excuses feel ridiculous.

My husband is a saint. Seriously. We grieve so differently and it’s hard to understand what the other person needs and when but he is way better at it than me. I couldn’t do any of this without this man by my side. I am so grateful for someone that still knows how to comfort me when I lash out in completely irrational ways when my grief surfaces. He always asks, “What can I do to help?” I strive to be as patient and understanding as my husband.

We both have the day off today and neither one of really know what to do. We know that if we just stay home with nothing to do, it will be hard. We know that if we busy ourselves too much, that will also be a recipe for an emotional disaster. We might take the dog to the dog park, we might pop into a tattoo shop and see about getting a remembrance tattoo drawn up, we might sit on the crouch and cry. Whatever we decide to do with the rest of our day, it will be done together with Adeline in the forefront of our minds.

Our little girl with her daddies nose and her mommies toes.

We love you sweet girl.

 

3 Comments Categories: Blog, Infertility & Loss
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  1. Chelsea says

    February 21, 2018 at 4:14 pm

    Sweet mama… this post is so full of unfiltered emotion. My heart aches for you, your husband, and a daughter who didn’t get a chance to know parents who I imagine would have been so doting over her. I don’t know you, at all, but I hope that someday your pain feels a little less raw than it does right now. You’ll always love and crave your first born, your baby girl. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply
    • Loving Adeline says

      February 27, 2018 at 1:31 pm

      Chelsea,
      Your words mean the world to me, thank you for taking the time to read. She is so loved and so craved, you are right.
      xoxo

      Reply
  2. Catherine says

    February 18, 2019 at 8:21 pm

    Thank you for the time you took to share a part of your life with us. I can feel all the raw emotions behind your text and love to see that openness.

    It made me feel a little less alone in this situation. I lost my boy a year ago, on february 14th and can related to every point you made. I’m not talking a lot about him since people are easily uncomfortable with the subject, but would love to share his picture as I am, in a way, a proud mom.

    Anyways, thanks again. I’m really sorry for your baby girl and will be thinking of her.

    Lots of love.

    Reply

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Tomorrow is the last day to take advantage of 15% off site wide over at @indiegraceco ✨ Use code: JEAN15 to support the sweetest mama and her small shop.
We are going to look back on this time and think a We are going to look back on this time and think about how:
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We didn’t hug our people for over a year.
In fact, we didn’t see most of our people either.
We didn’t see a single persons smile outside of our home.
How much we missed as second time first time parents.
We stretched grocery shopping to 2 weeks, and turned to online shopping wherever and whenever possible to avoid the risk of going to stores.
We felt isolated, frustrated and emotional on many days.
.
AND we will also remember:
.
We were given the gift of time as a family.
We embraced the slowness of life.
We protected our health and the health of our loved ones by staying safe, staying home and wearing our masks.
We saw B roll over, crawl, climb, walk and discover things in his surroundings for the first time.
We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at the table together, every single day.
We rocked you, and read the same nap time book, for every single nap every single day.
We waved to the garbage person every Thursday and the mail carrier each afternoon from our front porch.
We read, and read, and read, and read some more and danced, and danced, and danced some more.
We breastfed, we bonded, we laughed and learned and cried and learned and knew even at the hardest and most frustrating moments of juggling a pandemic, working remotely and raising a baby turning into a toddler in front of our eyes, that we were the lucky ones.
.
What’s one thing you never want to forget about this crazy time in our life during a global pandemic?
Just a little brother loving on his big sissy bear Just a little brother loving on his big sissy bear 🤍
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A friend of ours made B this bear with Adeline’s swaddle and stitched her name into it. Such a treasure.
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Copyright © 2018 Loving Adeline

Luckiest mama on the block ✨ . . @forloveandlitt Luckiest mama on the block ✨
.
.
@forloveandlittles spring collection is 👌🏻 If you are looking for simple, high quality basics for your littles, it’s one of our favorites shops to support. It’s a small shop, local (to seattle), woman owned and gives back to the infertility community. I adore @rechellelewis ‘s heart and her mission is very near and dear to my heart. Check her stuff out! (Not sponsored)
I hope you always explore with your heart and your I hope you always explore with your heart and your eyes wide open, the way you do now. Watching you take on the world is a dream 🖤
.
Tomorrow is the last day to take advantage of 15% off site wide over at @indiegraceco ✨ Use code: JEAN15 to support the sweetest mama and her small shop.
We are going to look back on this time and think a We are going to look back on this time and think about how:
.
We didn’t hug our people for over a year.
In fact, we didn’t see most of our people either.
We didn’t see a single persons smile outside of our home.
How much we missed as second time first time parents.
We stretched grocery shopping to 2 weeks, and turned to online shopping wherever and whenever possible to avoid the risk of going to stores.
We felt isolated, frustrated and emotional on many days.
.
AND we will also remember:
.
We were given the gift of time as a family.
We embraced the slowness of life.
We protected our health and the health of our loved ones by staying safe, staying home and wearing our masks.
We saw B roll over, crawl, climb, walk and discover things in his surroundings for the first time.
We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at the table together, every single day.
We rocked you, and read the same nap time book, for every single nap every single day.
We waved to the garbage person every Thursday and the mail carrier each afternoon from our front porch.
We read, and read, and read, and read some more and danced, and danced, and danced some more.
We breastfed, we bonded, we laughed and learned and cried and learned and knew even at the hardest and most frustrating moments of juggling a pandemic, working remotely and raising a baby turning into a toddler in front of our eyes, that we were the lucky ones.
.
What’s one thing you never want to forget about this crazy time in our life during a global pandemic?
Just a little brother loving on his big sissy bear Just a little brother loving on his big sissy bear 🤍
.
A friend of ours made B this bear with Adeline’s swaddle and stitched her name into it. Such a treasure.
•
•
•
•
•
#lovingadeline #togetherwearebrave #ivfsuccess #FETsuccess #toddlerhood #parentingafterloss #rainbowbaby #motherhoodisdarling #watchthemgrow #magicalchildhood #mymotherhood #holdthemoments #embracingaslowlife #littlemamamoments #mommyblog #mothering #mamahood
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Just give this boy equal parts outdoor adventures, Just give this boy equal parts outdoor adventures, piles of books and music and you have the recipe for a VERY happy B.
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It’s been a minute since I took a selfie but thi It’s been a minute since I took a selfie but this day deserves to have a place here.
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On March 2, last year I packed a lunch, my pump bag and cried the whole way to work as I returned to teaching after being on maternity leave. I had 11 students absent because families were worried about the new virus in town - COVID-19. By Thursday of that week, our district was one of the first to shut its doors in the country and rapidly set up a plan for remote learning.
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Exactly one year later, I got my first dose of the vaccine. I cried tears of joy and relief as I drove away - feeling hopeful that a sense of normalcy is on the horizon.
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This past year has been wild. There’s been so many ups and downs. I’ve sold my sole to my job, working around the clock to make sure my students are still learning, still growing, still loving learning while trying to ignore the people on the internet causing a stink that teachers “are getting off easy” and “need to get back to work.”
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I’ve been given the gift of time with Beckett and have not missed a single second of his first 16 months of life (other than the few days that schools were open when I returned). We’ve had breakfast, lunch and dinner at the table as a family every single day. I’ve grieved the fact that yet again I don’t get to share new parenthood with anyone, just in a very different way.
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Not one single person has been in our home for over a year, we haven’t seen any family but one time in July and Beckett really doesn’t know anything other than us. 
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But we’re healthy. And now I’m vaccinated and Dylan gets his first dose on Monday. Hope and hugs are on the horizon. 🤍
Happy birthday, Adeline. Year five. The edges aren Happy birthday, Adeline. Year five. The edges aren’t as jagged anymore from day to day but when the waves come crashing, they still feel just as intense and heavy. You would have been the best big sister to Beckett. He points to the Angel in his room in the mornings and we say “good morning” everyday. He gave me a kiss from his “Addie Bear” at bedtime tonight. He knows. I’m just so angry I can’t watch the two of you grow up together. We all love you so much and miss you and wish you were here with us.
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